A small village, left in peace for centuries, now finds itself an object of desire. A strategic nexus point. Whether military, trader, or pirate, your fortunes now balance on the control of Gonadistan.
The residents of Gonadistan, simple farmers, are suddenly beset from all sides by ruthless forces. Forces willing to escalate hostilities until one emerges victorious. That said hostilities seem to invariably injure the non-participating villagers causes no concern among the warring parties.
Finally, desperate, but dirt poor, the villagers send an emissary in search of a hero. A specific hero, his name legend throughout the known world, a mighty warrior with little regard for riches, a man described, in whispers, as slow-witted. Joe the Barbarian.
General Scrotum of the Miramar Imperial Legions
Thinlip, the Pirate
Nuggetnose, Grand Vizier of the Known World Free Trade Organization
Joe, the Barbarian.
Headpinch, the Viking
Cleftskull, the Berserker
Popi, the Blind Archer
Fistfullofknuckles, the ancient Kungjitsu master
Benttoenail the Wizard
and Kaboom, the Dwarve
Hack, the Traveling Bard of Boozantium
Can a gang of lonely, past-their-prime, creaky-kneed, weak bladdered, tooth decayed geezer-heros pull off one last epic victory? Find out in The Magnificent Six and a Half
(even bigger question; can the Hack make another foray into a new genre and make good his plan to demean every book type held sacred in the hearts of humanity?) HAR! This one is too much fun. I can't stop. At this pace I'll be done in ten days. I may even draw some little maps.
I know ya hate when I do this, but I woke up, hungover, as usual, and suddenly had to start a new book. Ya see, I create my best scenes in that twilight period between drunk-as-a-wino-floating-in-a-tub-of-MD20/20, and fraggin' comatose. I see visions. HAR! Anyway, cranked out nearly 6000 words on the new sword and sorcery book, The Magnificent Six and One-Half
Yeah, I'm blatantly stealing from Kurasawa, but it's a respectful, dedicated homage to a great work of art.
OK... it's the Seven Samurai without the samurai. It's the Magnificent Seven without the magnificence...
Alright, dammit! Fine... It's a chance to make jokes in a setting with barbarians and wizards.
There, ya happy now. Ya got me to admit it.
Tomorrow, no matter how bad my head is humming, I'll record some more Delin 4. Work... Crimany!
Received the proof for volume one of the trilogy.
Volume two was held up due to 'someone' fraggin' leaving a word about a thirty-second of a freakin' inch below the safety zone. Which is located above about three/sixteenths of an inch bleed area. Which means there's a damn float of a quarter/inch? Crimany! I'm no expert at this nonsense. Cost me money too. Every dang revision is like forty bucks. Pissed off now. Going drinking. HAR!
Remember, if yer links expire, use the Contact link above. Call me an assbag and I'll get them reset.
Well, Devlin 4 is written. I typed 'the end' early Sunday morning. Now, I will rest and drink. Then comes the daunting task of rooting out the three-thousand typos, grammar errors, missing punctuation, etc. That's why I like doing audiobooks—no fraggin' typos. I fix them on the fly. I know, I should fix them on the screen too, as I'm recording. But, it breaks the flow! I gotta put down the cigar, my drink, two-finger the revision, hit Save... Too much hassle, folks. HAR!
I'm often asked, "Hack, how do you write so fast?"
Clean living. Abstinence. Complete physical detoxification. My body is a temple. No liquor, drugs, seegars, internet porn, women loose enough to involve themselves with me. Yes sir, I owe it all to clean living.
Sorry if the above paragraph caused you to spit something through your nose.
Anyway, my target is to release five or six new books this year. And I aim to hit it.
Now, some of you are emailing asking where the books are? I took everything down from podiobooks.com Right off, I love podiobooks.com. If you are a new author it is an excellent venue to get your work out to an appreaciative, eager, intelligent audience. I had five books up there for just over 2 years. They represented maybe 170-180 chapters which were downloaded over 1.5 million times. That translated to about 7 to 8,000 folks downloaded from chapter 1 through the end of each book. Of those 7 to 8000, twenty people donated. Less than two-hundred bucks, in total, over a two-year period. Based on that my books were costing podiobooks money. I've done some research and from a business perspective it didn't make sense any longer. And this is a business, much as I hate to admit it. I have to write for x-number of hours per day to produce x-number of words, to make x-number of dollars to drink x-liters of liquor. So they're gone. I did some studying. I put all my books on Amazon as ebooks for three-bucks. Left it that way for five months and logged the sales figures. I then raised the price to 6.99, more than double. Ran two months and logged those figures. Guess what, the more expensive price outsold the three-buck deal. Apparently the general public are snobbish. They assign no value to that which they obtain cheaply. At least that's how it looks according to my unscientific, rum-addled experimentation. Plus, they needed some remastering. I had not a clue when I started recording. Had never done it and therefore, like everything, I was completely unafraid to dive in and start making a mess.
I promise to get the banner and HC 100 contest started soon. The friggin' banner thing proved more difficult than I imagined. Couldn't get the data from g-mail account so I had to get a tab-delimited file from the sale point. Build a database in filemaker, add a friggin' random number generator, import the tab-delimited file, export the new file with random number and email address. Now I just gotta figure out how to bulk send them. I should know better.
On a side note, there should be a new poll. I'm feeling an urge to write a sword and sorcery book. Wizards, barbarians, etc. Don't know why. Anyway, have a great week!
DOWNLOADS DISABLED. BOOK LIVE AND AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE HERE!
Devlin Abnormal Investigations Case File: Plan Fore From Outer Space, chapters 5 and 6.
DIRECT DOWNLOAD HERE:
DIRECT DOWNLOAD HERE:
Also, I've decided to accept submissions. If you've written a book and would like it made into an audiobook, I have three slots open this year. I'll record the book, add it to my catalog and sell it from here. 50/50 split. If interested in having your book recorded and offered for sale to the teeming masses, use the contact form above to submit your first chapter. If I don't choose your submission, it has nothing to do with the quality of your work. It has more to do with whether I can make it an enjoyable audiobook. Certain things are better suited to my style than others..
OK! I just sent the covers and text matter for the Dunkin Trilogy Two-Volume Softcover to the printer. The DVD's are burned. I have a supply of liquor for when I have to sign and number them.
What's on the DVD's?
Every audiobook I've written.
That's right, all of them.
Every episode of the Literary Lugwrench. This is the only way to get the episodes. I was losing money (and quality drinking time) producing the episodes and staging them for delivery. I did not want to begin charging for them, so I canceled the delivery service and shut down. But they are on a DVD inside the softcover. There are two volumes. Volume One contains Dunkin One and Two, plus a DVD full of audiobooks. Volume Two contains Devlin One and Dunkin Three, plus a DVD full of Lugwrench episodes and audiobooks. Probably eight gigs of MP3 files. Over 100 hours of nonsense. You also get links for immediate download. If the links expire before you get all the books, use the Contact link at the top of this page, let me know, and I will reset them.
There will only be 999 printed and sold. Each volume will be handnumbered and signed. Each volume has a different variation of the cover. I found something to like from each artist's rendition of Dunkin, so I used both.
They will not be available anywhere else. I turn down pitiful offers from publishers and have a reputation as a foul-tongued, cynical bastard—so they will never be available in any store!
The Boy With the Pale Skin
Zane Sickle Comic Adventurer
Dunkin the Vampire Slayer I
Dunkin the Vampire Slayer II
Dunkin the Vampire Slayer III
No You Can't Have It
Hard Boiled Headline
Devlin, Abnormal Investigations: Case File: The Hell Hermit
Devlin Abnormal Investigations: Case File Cleft Behind
Devlin, Abnormal Investigations Case File: The Gourd Of Destiny
Bought individually, these audiobooks would cost $77.94 This bundle is the replacement for the Supercraptacular DVD which is sold out. It is a method by which to save on the entire catalogue of Hack works.
The books on podiobooks.com have been removed. I left them up for just over two years. I was just starting, had never done it before, so they were poorly recorded. I am going through each episode and applying the same volume, effects, gate, etc. Crusade is an audio mess and I lost the original files so that one may be re-recorded completely. Probably at the same time I begin recording of Crusodomy.
The buy link for the softcover bundle is here
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