V... Alien TV Series Moves Too Fast

Last Updated on Friday, 20 November 2009 09:55

I'm ambivalent about television. Rarely watch it. I like Scrubs, but of course, it's gone. I like the show, House, at least until they turn him into a obsequious chickenshit. But, except for House, I use the TV as a screen for the X-Box. So it was with little enthusiasm I finally capitulated to a friend's continued emails suggesting I watch V, some new TV series.

Oh, the fraggin' excitement. I watched the three episodes and I can hardly contain myself. Such non-stop action! What tremendous plotting! There's almost too much going on. I fear impending heart palpitations.

Yeah, I'm being sarcastic with a capital S. What a sleepfest. A disjointed storyline with the same momentum as a soap opera. Really, you'd need to hire a team of writers, drug them heavily with downers, and hook 'em up to a bourbon IV in order to create something less entertaining. The only thing at all interesting is the lead alien, Anna, who evokes a sexy, exotic allure. And damn, she can dress. I mean, she's a lizard, but ya still want to nuzzle her neck and inspect the garment tags on the inside of those business suits she struts around in.

But, once you get past her admittedly exquisite visual, there's nothing left. A lot of handsome extras. One dimensional characters. Piddling, uninteresting storylines that presumably will converge to create a single uninteresting storyline—and zero action. Now I can understand the need for set-up. Hell, every writer wastes a chapter every once in a while. You know, sometimes you need a bridge to the next scene. I call 'em 'Transitional Chapters'. Which is just a bullshit way of saying—filler. But so far, this V series is all filler.

It's psychological. A thinking drama. A thinly veiled metaphor of current life under the watchful datastream of the information highway. Where all your underwear purchases are cataloged and evaluated according to nefarious thinktank research trends so the Illuminati can direct the institutionalized economic labor enslaved Chinese on what underwear to manufacture. An ode to the disenfranchised conspiracy theorists, all of whom are correct—partially. In other words, this is some mundane, boring tripe.

Can it get better? Yeah, it could. If the creators stop looking at it like a long-term meal ticket. See a beginning, middle and a satisfying end. All of which contain a goodly amount of actual shit happening instead of people talking to each other, plotting stuff to do to each other, and thwarting each others plans.

But it won't happen. The series will drag on, always at the cusp of something actually happening. Something exciting. Some satisfying conclusion. Good luck. Myself, I can always find some venue from which I can derive an overwhelming sense of boredom; I don't need help.