New Invention! The Pontificating Politician's Polygraph Podium

Last Updated on Monday, 29 November 1999 18:00

Folks, we have to do something about this political situation.

Our universe works in a predictable manner due to currently immutable physical laws and restraints. Our government does not. Apparently, government does not ascribe to the accepted practices of the scientific method. Government needs not withstand a method of inquiry based on gathering observable, empirical, and measurable evidence subject to specific principles of reasoning.

If you spend a half billion dollars of other peoples money to get a $400,000 dollar a year job. Some people own you. When they scream, you’ll bend over, pull your cheeks apart and say ‘AHH’.

When everything you buy is made far away, and then shipped thousands of miles to you, several facts are indisputable. There are some greedy people paying criminally low wages to someone. No one cares about fossil fuel consumption. There apparently is no oil shortage, greenhouse gas, or evil oil conglomerate sucking away all the dollar bills.

All our plywood is made in China. We must have a tree shortage.

As soon as you are born, the state owns you. You must have papers. You must pay taxes. You must file forms. You must interact with people whom, if there were truly a God, you would never have to meet. Does a family who is earning a household income of forty-thousand dollars or less really share in the states largesse? I don’t think so, since a simple roof now costs 30 years of hard, low paid labor.

And low pay is the order of the day, since nothing is manufactured here.

Wall Street big shots, powerful politicos, clever swindlers, forked tongued pinheads can perpetrate calumny that adversely affects millions, maybe billions, and they don’t pay. They aren’t punished. They are promoted. If you get a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt, forget to pay the fine, get an outstanding warrant filed, get pulled over, innocently scratch your ass in front of the barely-literate officer, they’ll shoot you in the head.

We are taught that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but that is not true. You’re guilty as soon as some government drone sets it’s sights on you. If an IRS agent sees you pick up a quarter in the parking lot, and you don’t report that quarter—they’ll take your house.

And they all have guns, and paid thugs, and practice overwhelming shock-and-awe. Because really, when someone disagrees with our government—they’re a terrorist. If you don’t immediately drop your weapon, fall to your knees, convert to democracy and whimper in abject supplication—they’ll kill you.

So I’ve invented a new gadget. I want to peddle this thing on The Home Shopping Network and recommend every town buy several.

It’s the Pontificating Politician's Polygraph Podium.

It consists of your standard wooden podium, but with a few special features built-in.

A polygraph machine, two electrical leads, and a regular 12 volt battery. You see, when a politician wants to make a speech, you first hook the electrical leads between their legs, and if the polygraph needle swings over into the ‘You’re lying’ zone...ZAP!

This will go a long way to improving the veracity of our incumbent and aspiring government leaders.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Also included in the basic Pontificating Politician's Polygraph Podium package, are 100 Audience Response Boxes. If 51 or more holders of the Audience Response Boxes believe the speaker is lying, or just tap dancing around the question, they push the button and ...ZAP!

This invention promises to elicit better, more forthright government. Plus, it has the potential to generate revenue, as speeches could become a pay-per-view event. Some big-name leaders may draw millions of viewers.

This is an idea whose time has come. I’m going public with a stock issue, and currently in negotiations with Nasdaq for an over-the-counter listing. As with all stocks, you may lose all of your investment, and there are no guarantees. But really, is it not worth the money to see them worthless, no-good, scumbag, chickenshit, roach-dropping, flat-footed frog fornicating, supersonic siberian sacks of sheepshit, liebag, motherfuckers dance to the tune of 12 volts right in the damn nads?