Are You a SuperVICEman? Quiz from Clodcast #10

Last Updated on Monday, 29 November 1999 18:00

Clodcast 10 Here! And if you want to take the quiz that's included in that clodcast...well, here it is!

ARE YOU A SUPERVICEMAN?

Do the words poker, alcohol, casual-sex and cigar turn you into a twitching ball of anticipation? Indeed, do they turn you into SUPERVICEMAN?

Not able to leap tall buildings, but able to hear a deck of cards being shuffled up to a mile away? Not faster than a speeding bullet, but drunk enough to try to catch it with your teeth? Not more powerful than a locomotive, but your breath is?

If these things are true, you could be well on your way to becoming a total waste of your parents well-intentioned molecules.

To find out, please answer the following questions. For those of you who among a myriad of other vices; are also congenital liars, skip this test. Just get a copy of the Congressional Record and study the works of your peers.

1. The last time you saw the sunrise was because:

A. You fell out of bed?

B. Your friends wife made you put the cards away and leave?

C. You still couldn’t remember where you left your car?

2. Do you smoke:

A. Like a train?

B. Like a 1972 Chevy Vega?

C. Like a spiral-bound copy of Roe vs. Wade being burned at a Moral Majority convention?

3. Which of the following best describes your alcohol consumption habits:

A. An undertow?

B. A whirlpool?

C. Niagara Falls?

D. The SUV Division of General Motors?

4. Do you date:

A. Only one person?

B. More than one person?

C. Have to oil the zippers on your clothes once a week?

5. How much money do you spend each week on smoking, drinking, sex and gambling:

A. All you have?

B. All you have and all you can borrow?

C. You have a company expense account and have no idea?

6. Do the gals at the local Strip Joint call you:

A. By your first name?

B. Call you by a cute nickname like ‘Minuteman’ or ‘Gravytrain’?

C. Call you on payday?

7. Does your collection of nudie magazines:

A. Fit between your mattress and springs?

B. Fit along the bottom of your underwear drawer?

C. Fit in the storage garage you rent for this purpose?

8. Were you advised to stay out of Las vegas by:

A. Your Doctor?

B. Your accountant?

C. Your wife’s lawyer?

D. All of the above, including a wide man with no neck?

9. If given the opportunity, which of the following would you choose:

A. An all expense-paid trip to see the Architectural Wonders of the world?

B. A chance to meet and hang-out with ten of your favorite artists and authors?

C. A chance to draw two cards to an open straight-flush, while watching a Tampa Bay Bucs football game?

10. What do you expect to have five years from now:

A. A band of performing ulcers?

B. A new liver?

C. A Pacemaker?

D. Your own 6’ x 8’ plot of land?

QUIZ ANSWERS

For each ‘A’ answer, score one point.

For each ‘B’ answer, score two points.

For each ‘C’ answer, score three points.

For each ‘D’ answer, score four points.

NOW TOTAL YOUR POINTS AND CHECK THE FOLLOWING SCALE

If you scored nine points or under, you cheated. The lowest possible score is ten, and you should be reading the Congressional Record.

If you scored between ten and seventeen points, you should seek professional help. Walton Mountain probably appears on your Family Coat-of-Arms.

If you scored between eighteen and twenty-five points, you are a well-adjusted, normally vice-ridden organism. Keep trying.

With twenty-six points or more; you are my kind of worthless, self-indulgent, sub-human being. The kind of person who helped make this country what it is today. I hope you win the lottery so you can build that Nudie Bar you’ve always dreamed of. Oh and if you are ever around my way, look me up.

(About the Author)

Dr. Crites is a graduate of the United States Technical Institute of Trial and Error. His Doctoral Thesis: ‘The Profound Positive Effects of High School Home Economics Class On teenage Boys Whose Voices Were Beginning To Change’ drew varied comments from researchers on Social Pathology. His latest book, ‘Your Place Or Mine? Well If You Want To Argue About It Just Forget It’ will be released soon.