Literary Lugwrench Clodcast #12 Live

Last Updated on Monday, 29 November 1999 18:00

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Literary Lugwrench Clodcast 12 I basically peddle my crap. Cry about how bad No You cant Have It Sucks, Kat Nove does her usual funny thing, and a political quiz! Oh, and I don't sing at the end, I promise! Har!

HERE is the Quiz

COULD YOU BE A SUCCESSFUL POLITICIAN?

Do you yearn to enter public life? Do you dream of a career as an elected official?

“Yeah sure,’ you say. “But I’m too lazy to run from the police, let alone run for office.”

Well don’t write off a career in politics yet. You could be one step away from the Mayor’s office right now! Our staff of defrocked politicians, campaign managers, criminal lawyers and poll analysts have carefully crafted the following short questionnaire o determine your political aptitude.

As you circle your answers to the following questions remember: this test does not measure intelligence; it measures character, or more precisely, lack of character. Be truthful and when finished total your points and refer to the chart at the end. You might be surprised at how far you could go in the sordid world of politics.

1. Do words like scam, kickback, pork barrel and ‘no indictment’ send shivers of excitement along the length of your spine and engender mild tumescence in your nether regions?
YES NO

2. Do you chuckle when your dog craps in the neighbors yard?
YES NO

3. If purchasing a nut and bolt for the government, would you?
A. Buy the twenty-seven-cent model from the local hardware store?
B. Buy the $6.98 “SuperBolt” from Gucci Hardware?
C. Have your brother buy a bunch of twenty-seven-cent bolts from the hardware store, form a corporation and sell them to you for seventy-three dollars each?

4. Can you Understand the following ‘High Level’ Government Accounting Office mathematics?
12%4#!@+LxX<6^*786/=#@$%^&
A. No, it’s gibberish.
B. The answer is 29 billion.
C. We need a tax increase.

5. You are now the Mayor of an American city, should you allow anyone to build anything themselves?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Only if they buy your city license, bribe your cousin the inspector, and buy all the materials from your brother who now owns a thriving building materials corporation. And he started out selling nuts and bolts. Who’da thunk it!

6. You are a member of the City Council. A large pothole in your district has alarmed your constituents; should you?
A. Forget about it.
B. Have it repaired.
C. Form and head a committee to wait for the results of a study to be performed by your father’s consulting firm, and then depending on the studies results: either have the pothole filled first and the remaining twenty yards poured on your new driveway or pour your driveway first and try to save some for the pothole.

7. Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook?
YES NO

8. A man approaches you dressed as an Arab. He says he is a wealthy Sheik and wants you to help arrange for his sons legal entry into the United States. He then gives you a briefcase containing fifty-thousand dollars. You are concerned this is a set-up and the man is an FBI agent. Should you?
A. Tell him to leave and take his dirty money with him.
B. Place a fully-automatic machine gun on a table in front of him. If he starts to twitch and break out into a cold sweat you’ll know he is a real Arab. No Mideastern Sheethead can resist playing with a machine gun.

9. Your now wealthy brother has gotten drunk and driven a twenty-ton truckload of simulated woodgrain paneling through the center of the Post Office building after checking his mail for an overdue government contract check. Should you?
A. Dissociate yourself from him.
B. Hurriedly shift funds from the Employees Pension Fund to a new ‘Post Office’ fund and hold a news conference to announce the demolition of the old Post Office to make room for the new improved ‘Postal Package Handling Facility’.

10. Did you like to sling mudballs when you were young and do you wish you could sling some mud now?
YES NO

Now use the table below to total your score and determine your fitness to hold public office.

1. YES=5 points — NO=0 points
2. YES=5 points — NO=1 point
3. A=0 points — B=1 point — C=5 points
4. A=0 points — B=1 point — C=5 points
5. A=0 points — B=0 points — C=5 points
6. A=2 points — B=0 points — C=5 points
7. YES=5 points — NO=0 points
8. A=0 points — B=5 points
9. A=1 point — B=5 points
10. A=5 points — B=0 points

WHAT YOUR SCORES MEAN

12 points or under: Forget political life and focus on a career with the Cartoon Channel

13 to 35 points: Stay out of politics. You are destined for obscurity.

36 points and over: You are either a used car salesman, real estate broker or vicious, mercenary lawyer. Contact our offices for a free consultation on how you can triple your income.